My parents endowed me with longevity genes

Some women say that one can be alone without being lonely and that loneliness is a self-inflicted condition. Loneliness can come over me when I am alone or with a group of people. It is possible to spend enjoyable periods of time by myself, however it does require filling that time creatively and deciding who I am now, what I need and what I want. It also requires giving up the fantasy that couples and families don’t ever feel lonely.

One of the embarrassing and frightening experiences of great loss is to be perfectly normal one minute and for no apparent reason,  dissolve into tears the next. It is as though a part of me is always on the lookout for reminders of my late husband.

Laughing is not disrespectful. Funny things do happen at work and at home. But how could I stitch myself together again? I stood at the railing of the marina one evening and watched the ocean and the heavens alternately. With whom could I discuss my problems? Would I ever go into a bank without feeling palpitations as I am a dummy at numbers?

My parents endowed me with the longevity gene and right now I do not regard this as fortunate. My mother died when she was almost 92. What sticks in my mind is the fact that she did not take a single tablet and slept through the night without any sleeping pills. My father was 86 when he passed away, so, I think of the long, lonely years ahead of me even when I am trying to feel positive. I suppose it’s all a matter of time.

This entry was posted in Grief and Grieving on by .

About Jill

Author of books and articles on support and experiences of living with a mentally ill family member. My aim in blogging is to let others see how a loving family, with a father and husband who is able to give unconditional love, can help the family cope. Many call me the blogging grandma.'

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