I felt as if some people expected me to skip the grieving stage. Others thought I would grieve openly for longer. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t.
Over a period of 53 years, I’d got used to being accountable to my husband for most of my time and, strange as that may seem, I actually miss that now. Nobody cares what time I get home. I miss the structure of my old life. I had always thought of myself as an independent person, but only after I lost my husband did I realize how dependent I had been for years. You might think that this is flippant, but even a silly little thing like; “Please take out the garbage or we need milk and bread. Would you pick some up on your way home?” were helpful. I have to take care of every single thing, from changing light bulbs, checking the visa bill to handling our income tax returns. I often feel as if I am on overload.
The biggest change in my life is the living alone part; alone but not lonesome. But I do feel separate. I also miss the fun side of myself. I was a pretty carefree person. Nowadays, when I say goodbye to an important person in my life, I am no longer sure that I will see them again. My basic trust in the world has disappeared. I’ve lost my innocence. And worst of all, I am no longer the most important person in the world to one person.