Do you want to buy a plot next to your late husband’s grave or not?

I wish I could say that my grief is a thing of the past. It isn’t, but it is different somehow; a bit more manageable. I can function and I find that I can even look forward to certain things.

When I was married I was one of two, and losing my husband made me feel like a sort of non-person. My aim now is to realize that a one person entity can function

• I am getting better because I no longer talk about my husband as much as previously.
• I knew that I was managing better when I was keen to leave the support group when it came to an end as I no longer wanted to be burdened with the problems of newcomers.
• I know that I am getting better because I can appreciate my life. There was a time when I did not know whether it was dull or bright out of doors, but now, I can appreciate flowers, birds, trees and the ocean.
• There was a time when my thoughts only revolved around my late husband, but now, I am even able to think of things we did together and smile.

The following can be difficult to cope with:-

• When someone telephones my house and asks for my husband.
• When a letter arrives addressed to him.
• Birthdays and holidays seem endless.

Grief is actually a war waged between the conscious and the subconscious mind and as a result, there are good days and bad days.
When I’m having a bad night, the worst thing is to lie and watch the hands of the clock inching along. So, I turn the clock the other way. I have discovered the world of late night television which puts me to sleep eventually if I am having a bad time.

To end this chapter of Grief and Grieving, I would like to add that there are really only two serious stages of grief:

• The first; shock and denial.
• The second; acceptance.

And in the middle of these two? There is a free for all and a really long way to go consisting of many ups and downs.

I have discovered that I am more capable than I thought I was; more independent and responsible than previously; I have learned a bit about the system of lawyers, doctors and accountants, as well as how funeral arrangements are handled.
“A single or a double tombstone, madam?” I was asked by the funeral director, referring to the grave.
“Do you want to buy a plot next to your husband, madam?” I did not ask what the alternative was.

All this was said with about as much sensitivity as if I were choosing potatoes for my next meal.

This entry was posted in Grief and Grieving on by .

About Jill

Author of books and articles on support and experiences of living with a mentally ill family member. My aim in blogging is to let others see how a loving family, with a father and husband who is able to give unconditional love, can help the family cope. Many call me the blogging grandma.'

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