Written by Yaho-Hanan Fiwchuk
I know I am becoming psychotic when I hate my own flesh, when everything around me seems negative and i can’t go with the flow. Even the air becomes an enemy.
Thoughts swirl, reality is hard to find, everything seems to bear down on me. So I get changed into some clean cotton sleep apparel and lay out clean cotton sheets and I wrap up in a bed cocoon and focus on the ugly unti I can bring it down to a small kernel that can be set aside. I like the winter because I can make the cocoon. In summer, I lie on top of the bedding and try to keep myself below all the thoughts above me.
The episodes often hit in the late afternoon. They start as an agitation in the periphery. i feel threatened, want to disconnect. I know it’s brain activity and if I can get hold of it and release it in time, it will clear quickly. Other times, it can take 20 minutes, sometimes hours.
I take more than 20 pills per day. Lithium, Risperidone, Loxapine, Seroquel and Ativan when needed and vitamins including niacin and B complex. I like learning new things using my mind and body. I do Tai Chi and study philosophy but it can be hard while on pills as I feel as if i am stoned.
Now that I have an acute awareness of my schizophrenia, I have more peace of mind. No more dangerous thoughts or actions as I did in the past and no more voices but I still have frightening associations triggered by sounds. Now I paint. My soul is imprinted on confines of not more than 50 becausey 50 is all my easel can hold.
My life is one of cycles and patterns, some days drag by slowly and are painful. Other days go faster. All I ever want to do is to get into bed and shut off my life.
As John Lennon said: ‘Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. Time is a friend. Pain is time’s sister. Reality looms and I say goodnight.’