On November. 29, 1959, Alec and I got married in a fairy tale wedding in my parents’ garden. Today’s date is Nov. 29, 2013 and I have to get through the day that would have been our 55th wedding anniversary, with all the memories it evokes.
February 12, 2014 will be 4 years since Alec passed away. All I know is that while grieving, I managed to keep myself alive. While missing him, I managed to keep myself alive somehow. While handling the million and one things I had to do and have chosen to do, I kept myself alive even while feeling so terribly lonely. Alec’s side of the bed was empty. His place at the breakfast table stood waiting. Suddely, food had little taste for me and became a survivor’s tool. When night fell, our apartment which is such a bright, happy place during the day, became lonely and depressing. Most nights I wandered about opening and closing closets and doors, thinking the usual if only’s that one thinks at these times. To mark the first year, I bought and planted a creeper with lemon blooms that he loved. To mark the second year, I planted cyclamens in a shady spot and the third year, the family had breakfast at his favorite restaurant overlooking the sea where we spoke about the good things that we remembered and had done as a family.
After someone you love dearly dies, the first year consists of solitary firsts filled with memories too countless to describe. And slowly, ever so slowly, I decided not to descend into a depression but to keep on living, loving, enjoying my children and grandchildren and to make a new life for myself.