What we found in our late son’s notebook

Scan0001After our son’s tragic death, here are some of his thoughts he put down on paper in a large, tatty notebook:

Spring is drawing near. Soon the trees will bud. Spring, I am waiting for you.

Life is difficult sometimes, but we have to find the small flashes of light to lessen the depth of the gloomy darkness which gets more profound with the ticking of a clock. And that gives us the dimension of time. Those points of light arre vague during the day, barely visible, so one may ask: ‘Is it worth living for two or three minutes a day?’

My friends are having fun; one abroad, one recently returned, all living lives. Only I am incarceerated in a crazy cage without a past, without a future.

We’ve tried to help you, my doctors claim. But, they set a trap for me. I fell into a bottomless pit that they dug for me.

They enter stealthily in the dead of night. The storm inside of me turns to fear. What do they want from a pauper? Peace, peace, peace. I pray for peace of mind.

You’re the one I can’t get out of my mind. I’ll dream of you day and night. You’re so far away and I’m so lonely and so cold and so bitter. It will be good when you lie beside me soft and innocent, pure and clever, as pure as the soul of a new-born babe.

I never thought I’d be so dependent; as dependent as an innocent lamb depending on its mother’s milk. I am dependent on the charity of good people and bad people, but to date, I haven’t met anyone who can help me. Certainly not my parents. I’ll dance on their graves.

When I discussed the last sentence; ‘I’ll dance on your graves’ with a professional, I was told that it is  natural for such a sick person to blame those near and dear to him. But, it took years before I could  get rid of the sound of my son’s voice saying; I’ll dance on your graves. It reverberated ….


6 thoughts on “What we found in our late son’s notebook

  1. CJ

    Oh my…that certainly must have hurt. To him perhaps it was his mantra…that he was going to overcome his demons and when he did he was going to shake his fist and show the world in defiance, “See! I told you I could beat this monster!” I do hope you managed to forgive that passage in his writings….am sending a big warm, mom-to-mom hug to you…because as moms, we always dearly love our children, but not always what they do or say.


    Poor man, suffering so much, all he wanted was peace away from the dark pit of helplessness and morbidity!

  3. suzjones

    Jill, this must have been so difficult for you to share. I was reading his writing and thinking he such a gift with words.
    I’m sorry that he used those words to hurt you. 😦 I guess, that he was in such a pit of despair that he lashed out at those closest to him.

  4. Jenn zeffman joint coordinator Harrow Rethink Mental Illness

    Jill i cannot express how very upset i was on reading your lovely sons words.I do ,however know that these words are not uncommon,family are always blamed for not being able to change our loved ones lives.I cant tell you the number of times have heard my son say”you are my mum , you are supposed to help me get better”,what can i say!!!!!!!

  5. Pingback: Fellow Blogger – Jill from Jill’s Experiences | It Goes On

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s