SERENADE 2 SENIORS
B E W A R E – DON’T MESS WITH SENIORS
Dear Mr. C.,
It wasn’t very nice of you to bounce my check, you know. It was meant to pay my plumber last month. Three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check at your bank and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension that I have been receiving regularly for the last eight years.
This incident has caused me to rethink my financial ways. I answer your telephone calls and letters personally, yet, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, like you, I choose to deal only with a flesh and blood person. My payments will no longer be automatic and will arrive at your bank by check addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your choice, nominated by you. I hope you are aware of the fact that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find the attached Application Contract which the employee you choose will have to complete. It is eight pages long, but in order to learn as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be counter-signed by a Notary and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation including income, debts, assets and liabilities must be accompanied by documented proof. I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone banking service. You surely know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Now, when you call me, after punching in my number, press the star button for English. Then:-
Press #1 to make an appointment to see me.
Press #2 to query a missing payment.
Press #3 to transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
Press #4 to transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not home.
Press #5 to leave a message on my computer and use a password that I will communicate to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact of your choice, mentioned earlier.
Press #6 to return to the main menu.
Last but not least, press #7 to for a general inquiry or to lodge a complaint.
Allow me to wish you a happy new year.
Your humble client …
And remember, it is in your best interests not to make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it takes very little to piss us off.
SERENADE 2 SENIORS