Tag Archives: Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone.

The invisible line between the rest of the world and me

the world

My son’s suicide drew an invisible line between the world and me. I lived grief day by day, endless days, wondering how I would survive the following one, burdened by anguish. There were moments of tears, of agony, even moments of laughter which a psychiatrist said was bordering on hysteria –  my way of grieving. Yet, I seldom broke down in public. I don’t know why. Maybe somewhere deep inside, I remembered what I’d always heard as a child, and that was; Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone.

Many people avoided me, made a detour when they saw me. Some made me feel as if I should sweep up my heart and pack my love for my son away because I would  no longer need it. I was told that he would live on in my memory but live is exactly what he would not do.

I was told “He’s at rest in God’s hands,” – yet in God’s hands I’d watched him suffer. Will God be gentler now? I’d sought God when in desperate need, only to find his door slammed in my face. I had bargained with Him on and off for so long, believing that if I obeyed all the rules, He would protect me and my family, but things don’t work that way.

‘You should have taken your son to a herbalist,’ someone told me. ‘You should have watched over him 24 hours a day,’ was another piece of advice. ‘Why didn’t you change his medication?’ asked a third.

And that was when I made my escape to our garden where it was far more peaceful. I had no answers to the above questions. My husband and I had tried every single thing we could possibly think of. Being medication resistant is a terrible situation to be in and that was what happened to our son.