Tag Archives: loneliness

Loneliness … OR … Doing things alone

  loneliness  4Co-dependence has gotten a bad rap from substance abuse recovery terminology. Most people are social beings, both emotionally and biologically who live in communities because they need company. We all need company as we cannot do everything alone. We need help. Collaboration is our biggest survival skill. We would die off without it. If one is alive, odds are that you have received or been given help in one way or another at some time or another. We have the idea that we are weak and if we are unable to do things independently and that it is  a problem. But nobody, least of all successful people, don’t do every single thing alone and nor do top executives. Surgeons don’t operate alone and doctors have nurses to aid them. World leaders have helpers so independence is overrated. We need one another and should be there for each other. Do you know of anyone who does every single thing alone? I don’t, so, why do we hold ourselves to this standard? Maybe it’s a question of worth. A person might have a low sense of self-worth unless they do things alone. It might actually be a judgment against himself or herself.

 Being Lonely

 Now being lonely is totally different. Loneliness is upsetting. It can bring on a depression. Being lonely imeans that one feels isolated. It breeds negative self-identity, increases sadness and anxiety. When somebody feels lonely, that individual feels unloved. He/she remembers all the evidence pointing to this fact and for some reason their minds become empty of all the evidence against it. Loneliness makes a person think things like:- I ruin everybody’s life. I can’t call anyone because they will consider it an imposition. No one wants to hear from me. I make bad decisions. I don’t even know how to act in social situations. I am awkward. I have nothing to offer. The bottom line is; I am a dork.

loneliness

Memories from November 29, 1959

climbing roses On November. 29, 1959, Alec and I got married in a fairy tale wedding in my parents’ garden.  Today’s date is Nov. 29, 2013 and I have to get through the day that would have been our 55th wedding anniversary, with all the memories it evokes.

February 12, 2014 will be 4 years since Alec passed away. All I know is that while grieving, I managed to keep myself alive. While missing him, I managed to keep myself alive somehow. While handling the million and one things I had to do and have chosen to do, I kept myself alive even while feeling so terribly lonely. Alec’s side of the bed was empty. His place at the breakfast table stood waiting. Suddely, food had  little taste for me and became a survivor’s tool. When night fell, our apartment which is such a bright, happy place during the day, became lonely and depressing. Most nights I wandered about opening and closing closets and doors, thinking the usual if only’s that one thinks at these times. To mark the first year, I bought and planted a creeper with lemon blooms that he loved. To mark the second year, I planted cyclamens in a shady spot and the third year, the family had breakfast at his favorite restaurant overlooking the sea where we spoke about the good things that we remembered and had done as a family.

After someone you love dearly dies, the first year consists of solitary firsts filled with memories too countless to describe. And slowly, ever so slowly, I decided not to descend into a depression but to keep on living, loving, enjoying my children and grandchildren and to make a new life for myself.